I thought it was mine?

Well the wife has kept me busy, in preparation for the new baby (see Here). Well OK not really, I've just been lazy and tired. I figure I might as well be as lazy as I can now.

But I do have a new topic that I can rant about. It's one that affect everyone at one time or another. People have killed over it. It's the one thing that everyone wants. Will start a huge fight over. That's right....I'm talking about the T.V. remote.

It doesn't matter who you are with, Family, friends, hell if your cat likes the T.V. you could be screwed.

In my house the fighting isn't too bad. First I have to give some background though.

The way my house used to be setup was that I had control of the whole basement. It was my fortress of solitude, My home inside my home. I had complete control. My computer desk was down there, I had my very own Beer fridge (all hail the Beer fridge) and a small 20" T.V. Oh my little T.V. I loved that T.V. I played all my games on it, watched movies on it...Memories....

Our Big T.V. was upstairs, It was a 27". So that's the one my wife and daughter would watch. It had the good DVD player and all that good stuff hooked up to it.

The my "Nemeses" got a BIG screen, a 42"...OK...I can deal with that, a little jealous, but I'll live.....Fuck that! OK, its on. Mine will be BIGGER! So I talked it over with the wife. NO. That's right she said the dreaded N word.
"What do you need a big T.V. for? You don't watch T.V."
"So", I reply. "I watch movies. A lot of movies." I hate regular T.V., Gimme a 2 hour movie, no matter how crappy it is and I'll watch that before I watch some crappy ass 1/2 hour sitcom. The odd 1 hour show I will watch, but overall, movies are where it's at.
"You are NOT getting a new T.V."

A month later my new T.V. arrived. A nice 47" 1080p LCD. OH, I'm in heaven! The giant goodlynees of it. I got one of those bad ass LCD screen remotes with it too. BAD ASS!
"It's so gaudy!" Gaudy? WTF is wrong with this woman?
"How is it, Gaudy?"
"It's so big. It's unnecessary. Total wast of money."

Yeah, I said that too, she IS fucked!

"Nemeses" had a wall mount, that he couldn't use as he lives an a apartment building. So he was nice enough to give it to me. Nice! Not only do I have a giant T.V. But, I have it hanging on my wall! This is sweet. I can watch all my movies in high def, Play all my video games in high def. This is the life.

WTF. Suddenly the wife is in MY basement, Watching MY T.V., WTF is this? This is MY gaudy T.V., remember. It's so big and ugly.

Now at this point MY basement has become, OUR basement....WTF. I don't want to share. I need my own guy space. A wife and a daughter, my house is full of estergin. I need a mans area. No girls allowed! If I want to play a video game on MY T.V. I now have to ask....That's right I have to ask....Stay calm....I am in control of the situation.........................................

Now because my wife and I were downstairs all the time doing our thing, my daughter was upstairs doing her thing....Not a really good family setting.

Alright, lets move "MY" T.V. upstairs, as well as my computer desk. That way we will all be in the same room all the time. FUN! Yeah, that right I now have to SHARE a room with two girls...Feel my pain. OK, so I lost my T.V. to America's next top model....Topie and Benoo....and plenty of other CRAP, that they fill prime time with...WTF! What happened to my "gaudy" T.V.

I swear i can hear it crying some nights. I tell it it will all be OK one day.

To top it all off My wife starts complaning that I spend too much time on my computer.
"Your always playing video games!", OK, lets see whats on the boob tube. Reba...Um, no....Signfeild...Um, Double Fuck that! Top model, Paris Hilton BFF, make me a supermodel, so you think you can dance....Fuck that shit! K, lets see if there's anything on that I can tollerate...Mythbusters....No, she says. Oohh, Aliens is on! Um, no thanks. WTF is wrong with Aliens? That was a great movie. OK, Look The Terminator. GUESS what she said.

So why the Fuck did she ask me to watch T.V. with her, I won't watch any of that gay ass shit, and she wont watch anything that is actually good. Back to my computer I go.

So at this point I have lost my T.V..........My basement.........My Beer fridge......My manly freedom.....

I'm Gonna be a Daddy!...Again...

Well it a new day...OK it the end of this new day, but hey I write when I write.

It was made aware today that I will be a daddy on Oct. 27th at 12:00pm, Yeah that's right I can now see into the future! OK, maybe not but it's always fun to dream. No, I know because my wife has her c-section scheduled for that day.

I was told by my best friend "Nemeses" (his name is a closely guarded secret. He is real though, I swear) The Wife called him about 2 hours left to go in our day at work. As we don't work together, he couldn't tell me until the end of our day. So "F.U.nny" him, He decide to scare the fuck out of me. He walks up to me with 5 mins left before we punch out for the day, and tells me that my wife called him 5 mins ago and I'm about to be a dad. "WTF!" I say, "Holy shit, we got to go!" The fucking buttmunkey burst out laughing. Laughing! What a fucking dipshit! One of these days he's gonna find his fucking car missing....Yes, I have keys to his car...

He then informs me, it will be next Tuesday. Next Tuesday! Holy shit! I was expecting at least two more weeks! I still have to finish the baby's room! We need a crib mattress! We are going to need more dipares! A case of Beer! A bottle of Rum!....Wait those last two are for me....Pheww....Breath... I can do this again....

It had better be a boy. I can't handle anymore fucking princess and Barbie crap. I need a boy, someone who has my back in my house. If it comes out a girl, I'm sticking it back in to bake some more.

If it is a boy, my Wife asked if we will be circumcising him.
"Uhhh, yeah." I reply. I don't know how to take care of a uncircumcised "member".
"How hard can it be. Pull it back, clean, done." OK, sound logic, but I pose this question. I can whip it out and pee, all without touching it at all. Do you have to pull it back to pee if your uncircumcised?

Yes, I know, too much information. But as Nemeses says,"I'm a crew cut kinda guy, I don't like turtle necks." NO, he's not gay. Sounds gay, but he's not...Far as I know.

The best part of knowing when my Son/NOT Daughter will be born, is that I get to pick and choose what days I take off from work. You see, I only have 3 or 4 sick days I can take. Do I take them while the wife is still in the hospital and get some things done around the house...OR...do I wait till Her and the baby come home and help out then. The latter being three times as much work. Work around the house, helping with the baby, helping the wife....Oh, the hard decisions in life...

The best part about having a second child is that you can avoid all the mistakes you made with the first one....Like spoiling the fuck out of her...Yeah, My daughter is spoiled rotten. This kid has everything. I remember being a kid and having a few dinky cars to play with. My Mom did her best to give my brother and I EVERYTHING we could possibly want, But she was a single mom with two boys. I know, someone really hated her! But she worked her ass of and spent every penny on my brother and I. We almost always got the one thing we wanted for Christmas, maybe not much more, but the one thing we wanted, we got.

I have to put a blurb in here about Moms. I'll go more in depth about this in a later post (more then likely mothers day)

Moms are the greatest people on earth. Period. They do everything for you. Doesn't matter the cost to them. Period. My wife is a great mom. She may not think so, but she is great. My daughter couldn't ask for someone better. She is there for anything my daughter needs. Is always willing to play (more then I can say for myself)

My mother and I are very close. We have our disagreements, every family does, but when all is said and done it's in the past. I don't talk to my Mom as much as I should, Nor do I visit her with my daughter as much as I should. I know, I'm an Evil Fucknut of a Fucking Fuck (I can see my Mom cringing at my foul language) . But, I hate the phone (Fucking Gramme Bell) and I'm a lazy fuck that hates to go anywhere.

None the less, I love my mom. She is the one person that I will always forgive when she is wrong and I am right. (Or vise verse) At least I think she forgives me,....She is a woman, forgives but never forgets...

But, Back to the topic at hand, I want to be a Daddy again. First steps, First words, Firsts. We all love firsts....makes us all go, Awwww!

I'm ready for this. The laughing, giggling, drool....puke........shit............Diapers...............Diapers.................Diapers................Oh god help me..........





I know, not my usual tirade of cursing and calling the retards of the world "fucktards". But, we all have to write about something nice every now and then.....

I'll make it up with my next post.

The evils of shopping

So it's my one and only day off this week and I woke up early. Yeah that's right no sleeping in for me. 7:30am my eye's opened and would not close again. But, no big deal. I will survive.

So I crawled/fell out of bed with the intentions of doing nothing today. I almost succeeded. Minus having to make coffee...twice, I had to do some grocery shopping. Now, unlike most guys I know I like shopping for food. You wouldn't think so by looking at me as I'm a skinny little fuck, But I love my food. I also love to cook. So walking around in a grocery store to me is like a wonderland of discovery.

BUT, I Fucking hate other shoppers. People are just Fucking retarded in these cornucopia's of foodly goodness.

Why would you park your cart at the very end of an isle, sideways so no one can pass. On top of that let's leave our 1y/o child in the cart and walk away to another isle. Now lets say I did this hypothetically. If I came back and saw someone who dresses like me moving off with MY cart with MY child in it, I would fucking freak out. What the fuck is this weird ass guy doing with my child!?

This is the situation I came up against today. WFT, who the hell leaves a small child unattended, blocking the end of an isle? After some looking around I finally find the owner of this kid.

"You wanna move your cart?" I ask.

"Give me a min, I'm busy." he replies, not even looking at me...Excuse me....Your busy? Fuck you you little fucking fuck of a fuck. OK..., Breath..., I tell myself. You have your daughter with you. Set a good example. You are in control of the situation.

"Well your cart is blocking the isle, can you please move it."

Once again without looking at me, he replies,"I said, I'm busy." none to nicely either.

OK, wrong fucking answer fucktard. I'm not exactly a big guy or anything far from it. I'm 6'1" about 140-150lbs. But the way I dress I can be intimidating. I am a metal head. Big boots, Band shit, etc. This guy is maybe 5'4" 100lbs soaking wet with a brick in his pocket. Looking back to see what my daughter is doing, I see she is grabbing a few boxes of Kraft Dinner. Perfect!

Leaning forward, I calmly say,"If you don't move your cart, your face is going to become a part of it." He finally turns to face me, with a scowl on his face. First looking at my chest, his eye's move slowly up to my face. I could tell he was about to say something, probably something along the lines of, "Fuck you" but he smartly kept his mouth shut. Suffice to say he moved his cart.

Now I do have to admit, that this very rarely happens to me. My best friend gets to do this kinda stuff all the time. The guy is huge. Not the type of person you fuck with at all. But for me, I have to pick and chose my battles. Oh, the glory. Fucking fucktard. That's right move your shit! Bitch!

All this and my daughter saw nothing. Fantastic!

So moving on,as my little girl and I are walking through the store we can hear a couple have a pretty good argument. Everyone in the store could here these people for a good ten min's. We were grabbing some pop, when the couple comes up behind us. They are having an argument about money. Not the best place to argue but hey, in the heat of the moment, one place is as good as another. My problem was the language spilling from this guys mouth. My virgin ears! OK....So I swear with the best of them, but not in front of children. The odd cruse pops out, sorry, but as a whole, I have respect for the fact that this is the type of language our kids should not know. Until they learn it at the playground.

I turn to the guy and say,"Hey, you mind watching your language, There are kids around." Pointing to my daughter.

"Fuck you and your daughter!" He says. Oh...No...You...DIDN'T!! You wanna say shit like that to me, Fine. But never, ever,FUCKING EVER, say that shit to my daughter! As he is say this to me, The manager of the store is walking up to him. Before I can retaliate the manager is asking him to leave. His attention is then taken away from me and he starts to argue with him.Fuck! Oh what I wouldn't have given to say my piece to this fucknut. WTF is wrong with people. Come on, saying that shit to a kid! This guy needs a good fucking ass whooping. I would have given my left nut to be the one who did it.

Finally, I've gotten everything on my list. Time to get the fuck out of this hell hole. I find the shortest line. Yeah shortest line...that's right I get the line that not only does the cashier have to call for a price check, but the 1000 year old woman paying for it all has to pay in pennies...OK you ant to pay in change, Cool, I understand. But do me one favor. If you know you will be paying with a bunch of change.

HAVE THAT FUCKING CHANGE READY!!!!

Holy fuck, What the fuck is wrong with you. You know what every grocery store need is a Senior citizens line. Call it the "Slow ass old people with nothing but pennies line"

God, people are fucked! Next time I got shopping, My daughter stays at home. Give me a little bit more leeway....

We're all odd

So I had to work today. Yeah I know it's Sat. Trust me if it was my choice, I would have been sitting at home, Drinking a Beer and playing a video game. Or cleaning...my wife is demanding I know. But no, I had to go in to work to bank some hours for my winter shifts. I know it sounds odd, but its how shit goes where I work. So I was in the shop doing some body work on one of our trucks (my best friend and I are the body work guys there). It was just myself and one other guy in the shop, so it made for a boring day with not to much conversation. So the mind starts to turn in on itself.

You know what I mean. You start to think about some weird ass shit. I'm sot sure what other people think about, But I came up with some things Odd/weird fucked up things that people do. By the time I got home I had forgotten even thinking about this, but as I was sitting down having a Beer, I started talking to my cat "Kitten"(that would be her name. I know, ridiculous....blame my wife). Now as some of you may have read I have recently acquired a new kitten, and I would guess that after spending so much time with the little guy I haven't spent as much time with my other cats.

Kitten is a very odd cat. I have had her since the day she was born. Hell, she was born under my bed! Yeah gross, I know Before she was spayed, she would go into heat every two weeks. You ever had a cat that goes into heat? OMG annoying. All she did was yowl at the top of her lungs for a week. So it went a week of yowling, then a week off. So at the time My best friend and I hated her. Our solution. Nerf darts. Yeah that's right, we would shoot the little bitch every time she made a peep. Yes,I know it was wrong. But hind sight is 20/20.

Soooo, because of this she very rarely is seen, much less touched. But, for some fucked up reason she now loves me. I mean this cat wont leave me alone. My wife can be petting her and one snap of my fingers and she is in my lap. She sleeps at my feet at night, and wakes up with me in the morning.

Now we have a new kitten, who "Kitten" (I know confusing) does not like at all. She hate the little guy. So she hasn't slept in my bed in about 2 weeks now. Hasn't come near me at all in a while in fact. But tonight, Holy Shit, Withdraws. She wont leave me alone. All is forgiven.

OK, so I'm way of topic here. My point of this whole ramble was the fact that I had a conversation with this cat. Yeah I'm sure you have all talked to your pets before, But would you talk to say a fish? I do. I love my fish. I sit down in my chair, that faces my 2 tanks and talk to them, find out how their day was.

So this got me to thinking. Am I....odd...weird...No not at all. Lot's of people talk to their animals/plants/mirrors. But what other odd things do people do.

How about collecting Transformers? I mean hardcore collecting. Not odd you say. What about painting your own? How about giving yourself a transformer name?

I am talking about my best friend, and HARDCORE transformer geek. This guy is Encyclopedia Transformer. He has got a ton of these little dolls, Shhhh, don't tell him I called them dolls. He is the mod of a transformers site. This guy is Fucking Obsessed! Like WTF there toys! I do have to admit that I like playing with them when I go over to his place. Every time I leave they are all in one big group orgy. Optimus is taking it up the rear by Megatron, Bumblebee is blowing Starscreem. Oh, the shear joy. What makes it even more fun in the fact that it's usually a day or two before he notices. Then I get a text MSG or a phone call with him telling me I'm an asshole. "WTF, I thought you were supposed to play with toys...Oh,I play with the toys. Not the toys play with themselves." It's just to good. I get a good laugh out of it and my wife gets a good laugh (his wife laughs too, but that's a secret, shhhh)

My point is is that we all have some weird thing we do. Some odder( is that even a word?) then others. We can laugh at each other about them. But come on.....Playing with dolls?

Just to make things better, This guy is 6'4" about 220lbs and very intimadating....sorta....as long as he leaves his dolls at home.....

He is my best friend though. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

Clean that shit up!

Well I have to admit, I'm coming to a loss of what to write about. That's right I don't really have to much to say. Well that's kinda a lie. I could tell you about the jackass that wouldn't let me over into his lane even though my lane was ending. Big Truck + Little Car = You lose. But, I covered that already. Yes there are a ton of stupid ass drivers out there, to point a finger at all the idiots is just silly. Silly I say.

But wait...Is that an Idea forming in the back of my skull... .... .... no it's just a headache .... No, no it is an IDEA!

DOG SHIT

Clean that shit up! WTF is wrong with people. Not a single person out there like to step in a big 'ol pile of dog shit. And everyone has. Scraping that crap off your shoe is something no one wants to do. WTF!

OK, OK, you don't have to clean the shit in your own backyard on a regular basis. That I understand. I have a big dog...OK, well he'd not that big, he's just really furry. D.U.M. as fuck too, but he's family. so I'll keep him. I'll admit I don't clean up his shit all the time. I do really good during the summer months, as we spend time in our backyard. I don't wanna be back there smelling shit. And the flies it attracts, WOW, it's like a smartie to a fat kid....well fuck any kid for that matter.

No, I mean the shit you dog takes in a public place. ie; a park, someone Else's lawn, a dog run, anywhere that you don't OWN!

At this point I'm sure you have guessed that I steeped in a big 'ol pile of shit.

Ha! Your Wrong! Take that!

No, I was able to avoid it just in time. Mind you it wasn't all that hard when you come across an area that has about a dozen "poops" in it. I'm not talking about A dozen small little shit either. Not even big. These were left by Bigfuckingfoot! Holy shit! Do dog's come in that size? These thing were fucking huge! WTF is this guy feeding this dog? How the fuck big is this dog? I'm sorry, But Holy shit that shit is huge! The piles were so big, that me and the guys (and girl) that work with me stood there making comments about them.

Obviously this guy is taking his dog to work. Hey, that's cool. I would love to take my dog to work. So he knows that his dog is gonna have to do his "dooty". Hey, once again, your dogs got to go, your dogs got to go. But PICK THAT SHIT UP! Don't leave it there. WTF is wrong with you? You think it's just going to go away? How hard is it to bring a plastic bag to pick it up...Maybe a shovel in this guys case, but still. It's not that hard. So it's warm. So what, it's a little squishy. When a little kid falls on it at the park it will still probably be warm and squishy AND all over his/her hands.

Alright, here's another point. I your dog shits on my lawn, there's not a whole lot I can do about it, Other then yell at you and call you an asshole. Then I have to clean it up. BUT, if I shit on your lawn I could possibly go to jail and I would have to clean it up...Huummmm sounds a little shitty to me. So its OK to let a dog do it, but not a person. Why? Cause you would see my ass? Cause you would see the weird look on my face as I squeeze out that little turd? I don't know if you, the person reading this, has ever watched a dog take a crap, but they get a look of shear joy on their faces as well.

When it comes down to it, Clean up your dogs shit. No one wants to step in it...see it....have it lit on fire on their front porch...

No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog.

A day in the life of me.

That's right I'm gonna bore you with the details of my avarage day. You see, most of you think you know how an average day in Juiceworld must be. Wake up, work, play video games,drink beer, go to sleep...Well OK thats sorta right, but there is more to it then just that.

6:00 am

I wake up to the best theme song out there, "Eye of the tiger" Come on, who would want to be woken up to a song like that. After I finaly fall out of bed, I'm ready to run up (or down in my case) a flight of stairs throwing my fist into the are and yell,"COFFEE" now all I need is a big statue of my in my kitchen. But before all that I proceed to hit the snooze button about 4 times. Makeing my wife listen to that song a total of 5 times everyday. One of these days she's gonna snap.I can see the headlines now. "Wife kills husband to rocky theme!"

6:20 am

I roll/fall out of bed. Depending on how indulgent I got with my Beer the night before, this is when I descover if I have a hangover headache. Most times I don't...I did this morning though. I then surch my room for my work clothes....Where the fuck are my work clothes....I droped them right here last night. After surching for 5 mins and finding everything, I try to dress myself. Ever try to put on body long johns in the dark? Not an easy chore. After taking my legs out of the sleaves of said long johns, i get everything else on and head down to the kitchen.

6:25 am

I get into the kitchen , throw my hands in to the air "Adrian....uh shit no, COFFEE!!!!".Did the wife put Coffee on the night before? Thankfully yes (most times she does). I then get my lunch together. This is a pretty easy chore as my wife makes my lunch. I used to but my lunch everyday a work, but the little lady want us to save a bit of money so I told her, "You make my lunch, I'll take it and eat it." So she makes it for me. I got to tell you she makes some bad ass sandwadges!

6:31

Contomplate calling in sick....One sick day used so far this year....got 5 more.....Fuck.....Shit....Maybe....

6:32

Well I'm in my car at this point, turning the diel to 102.1 the edge. I love that radio station. The edge files are a hoot. Hearing about some douche who thought it would be a good idea to take a mold of his rectom using cement....yep that right it happend....you can laugh at this point...Oh look, a dickhead I need to flip the bird couse he just cut me off even though there is no one else on the road. I once again ask at this point, WTF is wrong with people.

6:59 am

I get to work. I'm gunna leave my work day for a seperate blog another time.

5:00 pm

I get home. Home...I love home time...the smell of freah baked bread, children laughing... Oh wait thats not my house...What house is that.....Oh yeah, marta stuart, my mistake. No I get attacked by a 4' terror I call a daughter. "DADDY!!!!" I haven't even closed the door yet, and I have a munchkin attached to my leg....Fortunatly she has no fear of a punting across the house(see my kitten blog if your confused) After hearing about my daughters day, it can be really confusing let me tell you, I sit down with the wife to hear about her day....2 mins after she starts her mom calls...20 mins later I am once again summond to hear about her day...2 mins later her aunt calls...20 mins later I am once again summond.
"No more phone calls?" I ask, she shakes her head laughing. She at this point proceeds into a 45min detailed story about her day. It's always the same story too. Her co-workers are trying to distroy her.

Why do our signifacant others work story's have to be so long? Like really. If something supper funny happened, tell me. Something huge, Tell me....Anywho it wont change. She watches my eyes glaze over but she keeps on talkng. Most times by this point I have had 2 or 3 Beers so I'm armored to listen for a little while.

I then get to play some video games....MMMmmm video games...lol I got to admit I even wrote that slow for effect, so read it slow, so that the effect works.

Yeah I'm a "Gamer" also a "Pirate" but, Shhhh on the last one. I go around killing so zombies of terriorts or whatever the hell I am killing in my current game. Se I was smart when I married my wife. She is not a big computer person, So I get to hog the hell out of my computer and not feel guilty...Until I was D.U.M. enough to get my daughter her first computer game...Fuck what a bad idea that was. Now its a fight between her and i for computer time. Ever try to make a deal based on time with someone who can't tell time? "7:05 is NOT 7:00 daddy, you can have the computer at 7:00" WTF now my daughter is tell me what to do! I need anouther Beer...

Hugs and kisses time, The kid is going to bed! Every parents favorite time of night.

Now I can sit down and relax....Fuck 10:30pm

Time for bed....

My wife can cook....Sorta...

My wife can cook...well...sorta. Lol, well she can now anyway. When I first met my wife water wasn't safe. No pot went un charred

She has been very sensitive about this, since I first started living with her. My best friend and I used to make fun of almost everything she made. That probably didn't help her wanting to learn but, COME ON, who can't make fun of someone who drains the broth out of soup.

That's right She drain the broth out of my chicken noodle soup. She says she doesn't like the broth (she hates soup). OK, I can buy, that but when she made it it was for me. I like the broth. I was sick at the time. One of the only times in 20 years I might add. But anyway. I asked her to make me some Chicken Noodle. I walk in the kitchen 10-15 min"s later to see her draining the broth into the sink through a colander. "WTF are you doing?" I ask in horror.
"I don't like the broth.", she answers.
"Your not eating it!"
At that she got really embarrassed. I can understand why, this is the way she has always made it for herself. But, I got to make fun of her for it. Shut up you would too and you know it.

Shortly after we got married. Second best night of my life. My (basically) brother got us a bread maker for a gift. I got to say I love that thing. But any way, She decided to make some banana bread. . . ...Wow it...was...great...as a door stop. Nemeses (my basically brother) Accidentally dropped it on the floor (I don't think it was an accident) and I swear it cracked the floor. But As I said it mad a Great door stop.

This bring us to her "shoe lace chicken" This was a join effort between my wife and Nemesis's wife....Shoe lace...nuff said...

But at this point I have to tell you that all this has changed. She has really put in a superb effort. At this very moment all I can smell is a pork roast cooking in a red wine sauce....MMMmmmmm wine sauce....I have to admit that she has made a massive improvement. She puts in a real effort when she cooks food for me. Yes, I said for me. Half the time she doesn't even eat what she cooks. She hates pork, pasgetti, MEAT, potatoes...Who the Fuck hates potatoes?!

When it comes's down to it. I know she loves me. That's what matters. She try's so hard to make everything as well as I do.

I have to say.... I think she may be a better cook then me...



(Edit) I take it all back... Someone forgot to take my slow cooker off the stove... it no longer has a knob....