New Shit!

Once again, I'm back!!! Okay...well see...

Well what a Fucked up month Dec. and Jan. has been. Christmas...New Years...BEER! Presents!!! Turkey! Pot licker!!!!

Ok, well the presents thing for me and from me not so much. Hey I'm not a Dick hear me out! My wife and I have not had to much money as of late but we had about $400 to spend on gifts.

Now let me give you some background on Christmas for me. Growing up as a young little tyke, It was just my Mother, Baby brother and me. My Mom worked 2 or 3 jobs, payed the bills, took care of my brother and me as best a she could. Christmas was always the best time of the year! The presents!!!Ohhh, the presents!!! Waking up to find that Santa Clause had been there! What better thing for a child!

Not knowing then what I know know, But Christmas must have been a REALLY tight time for my Mom. See, you have to understand. my Christmas stocking was an old sock. My best gift would have been a set of Dinky Cars or a (new at the time) Transformer. I remember living in Alberta and getting the autobot Jukebox guy...I can't remember his name....Nemesis will give me a leture on this later....

All in all Christmas was small for me.

Then was the year of 1988 (I think), I was 8 years old (yeah do the math, I was born 1980, I know I'm a Young/Old guy... depending on your age) I got NINTENDO!!! Holy FucK!!! OMG!!! WTF!!! This is the greatest thing in the whole wide world!!! I got Super Mario Bros, Duck Hunt and Metroid. Weeks of my life gone...Well, OK...in the grand scheme of things...Years...To explain the whole ordeal of it all would take way to much time, But I will say thank you to my Grandma and Grandpa Yeaman.

But I digress...(Oooo, intelligent word!) When it comes down to it Christmas for me was small. Nothing wrong with that though, it was always a happy time. My mother always made sure of that. LOL, I still remember our Chinese Santa Clause one year!!!!

So along comes my wife...WTF!!! HOLY FUCK!!!! $%&*()%^$%^&!!!!

Jesus, Christmas is like a religion onto itself with these people! I know for a fact that the Wife's mother has Christmas presents in reserve for me. Shit she has had for a few years...Just in case! Like WTF!!! I'm not used to this shit! I feel so out of place....

"Hey I got you a candle!"

"Oh, thanks. Here is a DVD burner, a set of wireless headphones, a new set of winter boots and Socks"...Fuck I love getting socks...I mean that, seriously. I would be happy with like 10 packs of Socks. I never have enough, my wife steals them, I wear them out in no time...I LOVE SOCKS!!!

WoW, What do you say to that..."It's a newfie alarm clock! Stick it in your ass to the time you want to wake up and light it!"

That's my wife parents. My parents are much more relaxed...More about the Christmas dinner. Salt beef!!!!...!!!! Salt beef!!!! Greatest Shit on the planet..and my MOM makes it the best!!!...

Fuck you MY MOM will BEAT your mom up!!!

Every year, my parents say, "Don't get us anything, things are tight for everyone." Then they give us a bunch of stuff and we don't really have anything...See shit like that makes me feel bad...

But this year I told everyone That I was only getting shit for my oldest daughter. The youngest is less then 2 months so its OK, she wont remember. I wanted to get something Super spacial for my oldest. I wanted to give her my "Nintendo" per se.

So I bought her a laptop. She is always stealing my computer. Leading to many arguments and crying (on her part,I swear!). I want her to be computer literate. So I spent every penny...and then some... to get her one...

She LOVES it! i am so proud of myself...I had to forgo presents for others of my family, including my wife..I have never done that before...But I think it was worth it...

I no longer have to cry about not being able to play on my computer.

Well Holy Shit I'm Back!

Just as the title say, I'm back!

I know, Its been quite a while since my last post... I am a new father and all. Got to teach that new kid how not to be fucking retarded.

It's now 4:50 am as I write this and it's my Birthday. Happy getting fucking old to me! 29...almost 30, but not quite there yet I have a few more months to go before I am really an official adult.

I figure I would give you all a small update on my life.

My 5 year old is doing great with the new baby....The new baby is driving us nuts with her constant eating...Fucking pig....I started our winter shifts ( that's why my posts may came at weird times),And we got our first snow fall...

I plow, as we all know (Click here) And for yet another year I come across complete fucking asshats, that just do the most retarded fucking stupid ass move you can think of. Like really, you know that someone is plowing snow, you see the pile that said person is plowing the snow to, So you park you fucking car in front of that pile??? WTF, WTF, WTF...

So you come out to your car a few hours later, only to find that it has a 3 foot wall of snow around it...Don't get mad...this is when you slap your forehead and realize that you are a total fucking retard... yes that's right, a RETARD.

I'm not going to explain this to you. If you can't figure out why you are retarded, then you are retarded and wouldn't understand anyway.

Look do you see what these fuckers did to me? It's my birthday and these fucks got me all worked up. OK, deep breaths...in ...out...in...FUCK!!!

Mind you I have to laugh...picturing the Fucknut digging out his car...

Buying an alarm clock to wake you up for work...$20
Getting gas in the morning to last you the week...$20
Getting that, get up and go coffee.............................$1.65
Getting that 1,000,000 contract, earning a promotion and finding out you are a irreplaceable asset to the company.................................................$80,000 a year

Having to dig your car out of a giant pile of snow, cause you were retarded enough to park your car in front of the only place to put snow during a snow storm, and pissing the guy off that has to plow said snow................................................................Priceless.


I have to admit I LOVE doing this. I wont lie...Your retarded...Learn to cope...

But!, today is a happy day. I am a year older, a year wiser...bud-wiser...and I get to get my oldest daughter what I want to buy her for Christmas...

Life is good...

WTF is wrong with people (part 2)

(Part 1 here)

I know,I know its been a little while since my last post. I have been busy, with this that and the other...Namely getting screwed, but that's another story. I may get into it a bit. We all know I love to make fun of all the fucking idiots out there. The problem is, is that I have too many fucknut story's at the moment...Where to start.

I'm going to start with my wife's favorite thing to complain about. And complain she does...non...stop...
Fucking idiot drivers. When did signals become optional on cars? What you can't use a fucking signal to let me know that your going to cut me off. It's not like its a hard thing to do. The fucking switch is 1.5" from your fucking finger. It must be that it takes too much brain power to figure out if it needs to go up or down. Fucking Fucknuts Use Your Fucking Signals!!!!!

On the flip side of that, turn you fucking signals OFF after changing lanes. How many of you have sat behind a car/truck wondering if the fucking moron is going to change lanes? All of you! What you can't remember 10 fucking seconds ago when you turned it on? Turn That Shit Off!!!

For those of you with road rage, know what the fuck you are getting into before you start going all crazy. May save you the embarrassment of looking like a total jackass.
One day a few years ago Nemeses and I were going to work. Some fucknut was doing like 50km over the limit, coming up right behind us out of no where. Passed us on the right and the cut us off, right in front of a red light. Nemeses had to stand on the breaks to avoid hitting the fucking asshole. So Nemeses flipped him the "bird" right behind him at the light making sure he saw. So as soon as this fucking moron saw this he thought he would be the big man and get out of his car to come beat the shit out of nemesis....Fucking dumdass. This fucking retard was about 5'10" medium build. Nemeses is 6'5' 250lbs, and intimidating...if you don't know him....Fucking teddy bear. So this guy gets out of his car and comes stomping up to our car. I start laughing knowing how this is going to turn out. Half way to our car Nemeses gets out of his car....At this point, in one fluid motion fucktard turns and heads back to his car...

OOOoooo, big man turned back by the gentile giant. Fucking retard. What if that was a woman? Would he have done the same thing? Maybe some young kid? Like WTF is wrong with people. He cut us off, almost made us smash into the back of him and when we get pissed he "try's" to retaliate. Fucking Moron.

Now, lets talk about plow trucks. It's getting into that time of year when the snow start to fly, and all these hard workers are out there day and night making sure you can get to work or home or the bar, whatever the case may be. You all need to know one thing about these guys. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM! I plow. I am no longer plowing in a truck, I plow in a front end loader (people stay away from me as they are afraid out it) But too often I see people not treating the trucks with the respect they deserve.

Do you not see that giant battering ram...I mean plow on the front of them?

I once got pulled over by the cops for "running a red light" Fucking bullshit, but anyway, I told him it was yellow and that i did not think I could stop safely. Fucking cop says," You have a four wheel vehicle." Yes!, it does have four wheels! Fuck off I know what he meant. Yes, it does have four wheel drive. It also has the same amount of breaks as any other vehicle. Yes, I have better traction WHILE driving. Stopping is the same as any other vehicle though. Even worse though as I have a giant battering ram...fuck I mean plow on the front of my truck.

Just so things are clear for you all. In Canada, a blue light on a truck means, STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! If you hit me, its your fault. If I hit you...ITS YOUR FAULT. Fucking retards. Why do you have to be so fucking retarded?

Tips to live by.

1. Don't pass a plow/salt truck on the road. That's just asking to get killed.

2. Don't cut off a plow/salt truck. That's just asking to get killed.

3. If you see two plow/salt trucks, don't squeeze in between them. (You know who you are.)

4. I you hit or are hit by a plow truck, its your fault. Don't argue, don't point fingers. Accept it. Your a D.U.M.ass

5. If someone flips you the "bird", accept that YOU did something wrong. Don't be a jackass and try to be the "big man", as stated above, you could end up looking like a douche, and your just being a fucking jackass.

6. If you are stuck in a ditch, $50 bucks gets you out. No money, your shit out of luck.


I could keep going with this, but it wont sink in. You will all continue to be fucking idiot drivers.

Yup, that's me, the picture explains it all. I hate all religion. Period. It sucks. You want me to worship a magical guy in the sky...S u r e ......

I'll have to say right now is, if you are religious, Stop reading. I mean it. You will be insulted.

Still reading arnt you. Yeah that's right, I knew you would. You can't sit there knowing that someone is about to insult your beliefs. I can understand that. Everyone needs something to believe in....But...come on...really? A magical guy in the sky? He made everything? And devotes all his attention to listing to your whining and bitching? I need a new car. Help me with my money issues. Fuck me. That's Bullshit.

OK, God created everything in six days (he rested on the seventh...fuck I would to!), about 5000 years ago....5000 years ago? Ummm, wernt the dinosaurs around like 65 million years ago? Oh that's right, the Jews put the bones there...Umm, where did they get 65 million year old bones?....Costco's!

Alright, lets skip ahead a few years. Adam and Eve. Everyone's fantasy. Walking around naked, in public, with no fear of getting raped. Every mans dream! But, along came that dam snake...fucking snake, what would things be like if that fucking snake had minded his own business. Wait, that snake was Satan, or something working for him right? And god had only created things seven days before? So in less then week he already had "Angels" quit on him? Great boss. I wonder if he got severance pay?

But anyway back to the naked people. They get kick out of Eden for eating an apple...a fucking apple...Well, fuck me, we're all going to hell now. I have eaten a shit load of apples. So they leave. At this point they decide that being naked outside of Eden is wrong. I'll bet it was her idea for clothes. I guess Eden was the Nude Beach of the would at the time. They discover the "Tab A into Slot b", thing and have two sons. Kane and Able...Kane then kills Able. Great brother. Then Kane has kids.

...Wait a sec..., WTF! Kane has kids? Where the fuck?!...But...Kane...No girls..Eve?...Ummm...WRONG! Incest? This is what our society is built on? You have to be kidding me. I think my Mom is a good looking gal and all but....That's...just...wrong.

Lets fast forward a little more now. Noah. There was a cool guy. He could have been part of ZZ Top, Kick ass beard. The guy collected 2 of every animal on earth. Makes sense, as every living thing is in walking distance from your hut. Why don't we keep the tigers with the kangaroos! The kangaroos can keep the tiger cubs warm. Awww, isn't that cute! And why the fuck would he save mosquitoes? Bastard. I say we blame him for the bubonic plague and avian flu! Let's stone the fucker!

So, WTF is wrong with these people. I can't understand this. You really believe this?

Faith, That's what they tell me. You have to have Faith. OK, I have Faith that if I have any more beer I will be drunk. I have Faith that I will have to go to the bathroom sometime tonight after drinking said beer. I have faith that the Toronto Maple Leafs will NOT get the Stanly Cup this year.

Do I have faith that a magical man in the sky will solve my problems for me....NO.

The Virgin Mary....Where do I start with this one. OK, so god knocked her up? Without her knowing? Umm, isn't that rape? It's OK for god to do it, why not us? I can see it now, some lawyer somewhere is gonna use that as a precedence to get off his repeated rapist client.
"Well, God did it!"
So it is either that God is a rapist or The Virgin Mary wasn't really all that of a virgin. I don't know about you, but I think I can guess what's right.

Then we have the church it self....Wow I'm not sure I want to touch this one. The Inquisition...Alter boys...Homosexuality. Whats wrong with being Gay? How many male dogs have you seen try to bang another male dog? My dog personally likes stairs. I'm not Gay but if you are, fine. I have no problem with it. I will respect you being Gay as long as you respect me, knowing that I'm not. There will be no "Slam Dunking" this ass.

The "Church" does not condone Condoms, or any form of birth control. Anyone else have a problem with this? Teen pregnancy, Aids, one night stands? How many people are dieing in Africa from Aids? Something like 70% of the population has Aids. The "church" is feeding them, clothing them, educating them....but wont let them use condoms. I know of another place just like this. We feed them, clothe them and educate them, they don't get Condoms either...it's a place called prison.

I could keep going on, and on, and on, and on...But I don't want this post to take up 6 1/2 pages. I think most of my point has been put forth though.


I can see the pull towards religion though. To think that your life is guided by an unseen hand, and to know that there is something after this life. Strong stuff. But I suggest that you take control of your own life. Take responsibility for your actions.

If you really need a religion, try Baconisim. It's my religion. If your interested just ask how to join. All are welcome.

And it's free.

It's ??:?? O'clock Do you kow where your kids are.

I wanna talk about kids. You know those little cute bundles of puke, shit, slobber...oh, and Joy.

People if you have kids, WATCH THEM. They are getting in trouble. I'm not talking about teens or even preteens, although you should keep an eye on them too (the little fuckers) But I mean the younger ones. Too often these days I see way to many unwatched kids wreaking havoc out there in our streets.

Let me ask you this. Should a 5 year old child be playing in the middle of a road unwatched? NO?! How dare you say, NO. What kind of parent are you? Oohhh, a good one!
That's right, the road is no place for a kid. Fuck, Its not safe for an adult these days. Especially Smokers. OK, Well how about letting your 3 year old be taken to the store that is half a click away, by their 5 year old brother. NO, Are you kidding me? That's wrong you say? Why, that 5 year old will know what to do in case a bad situation happens. He's a responsible little guy. He can almost wipe his own ass. He knows how to use a toaster! Unfortunately, he hasn't mastered the round peg square hole thing yet.

All too often I see this...well actually I see it almost everyday. There are a lot of kids that play on our road, and our road is quite busy. People speed through it constantly. We had to have speed bumps installed because of this. Not that it made a difference. Yet, Parents (Crackhead lady) still lets their children play unsupervised where all these cars are speeding by.

We have a lady (I use this term loosely)....Let's call her, Ummmm...aaahhww... Crackhead lady! She has two young children, both under six. Both are never watched. EVER. I have almost run both of these kids over multiple times. I can honestly say that I don't go flying through our complex. I take my time, as there are so many kids running around. But, even so these kids just run out into the road without looking. All the time. Uh, WTF happened too, "Your to young to cross the road". Come on anyone my age has told the story about trying to run away from home. You know the one. You got to the end of the street and couldn't cross the road, so had to turn back and go back home. Shit like that doesn't happen anymore. Fucking kids end up at the airport.

Yes, I had a neighbours kid end up there it has happened. Yet another fine example of good parenting.

Where are all the good parents? What happened to all of our good children? Is it the music they listen to? No, That's bullshit. Any parent that blames music is using it as a scapegoat. I listened to Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Manson...etc... You don't see me running around killing people. Well not yet anyway.....Joking...or am I?

There is another kid on our street. You just have to look at this kid to know he is bad news. He looks like trouble. Fucking kid thought it would be funny to scream into my car window as I was driving by him. He stood as close as he could so when he screamed I thought I had run over his foot or something. "Holy shit!" Is this kid alright? I hope I didn't hurt him....Fucking kid was so close to dieing when I discovered that he was just being a fucking retard. Give me a fucking heart attack!
"What you think that was funny?" I asked him.
"NO" ....NO?, WTF. At least be fucking honest. What?, It's not funny anymore because I stopped and got out of my car? You can tell I'm about to kill you. Yeah, ...Not that fucking funny was it. "Then why did you do it?"
"I don't know.", saying this with a smile on his face....Can I kill him?....No...I can at least beat him black and blue right?
No?...OK, so what can I do?
I can tell his parents...Yeah....They seem to be doing a great job at raising him to begin with...But, none the less I truck on over to his parents house. I'll let them know what just happened.

"What do you want me to do about it?" they say.

Are you fucking kidding me? You have to be joking right. Yeah, that's a good joke..............You are kidding..........right? The blank stare I get is priceless. This is a woman who has no idea what her kid is up too, let alone cares....insert lots of cursing here.... Fucking retards need to stop breeding.

At this point I would like to say that my version of retard is; A fucking stupid ass motherfucker of a prick who has no fucking idea how to be a normal ass fucking person because he/she is too fucking stupid to fucking understand or comprehend anything. (actual challenged people excluded....insert gray area)

Or something like that...

Either way, I scared the shit out of this kid. I know that he wont be doing anything like that to me or my family again. For the next few weeks anyway.

When it comes down to it, WATCH YOUR FUCKING KIDS....



Testicles, that is all....

Grandma's Rule!

Ever sit back and think about what you want to be like when you get old and wrinkly. Come on, I know you have. Everyone talks about it when they are kids. Pretending to be some old fart saying, "Come here sonny." I don't know about you, but I have never said "sonny", and I no longer thing 30 is old. Darth..., Sorry I meant the wife, and I were talking about this tonight.

I want to be just like the one person in my family That was really really great. My grandmother.

No, I don't want to be some old lady when I get old.

My Grandmother (Nanny to me) was the meanest most crotchety foul mouthed woman you would ever meet. And I loved her to death. I am almost certain that I learnt my first...and second...fuck probably all of my swear words from her. She was blunt and to the point. If you didn't like it, "Fuck you, in full stereo!"

I mean really, my grandmother was the type of little old lady that would make a biker blush. If she had something on her mind, you and everyone around knew it instantly. I remember one time she had taken a friend of mine and myself to a restaurant for lunch. This was a small town place, the town had about 50 people. Yeah that small, about 15 tables in all. Squished all together. We might as well been eating at the same table. So we're sitting there chatting it up, typical teenage stuff, When out of now where grandma blindsides my buddy.

"You know-insert name-, Your fat."

The whole restaurant want silent. It was golden. Don't get me wrong I was embarrassed for my buddy, but DAM only an old person could get away with that. What was he supposed to say? Fuck you. No, he had to sit there, pull his jaw off the floor and pretend nothing happened.

She was like this with everyone. She once told my wife she was spoiling my daughter. Darth...I mean my wife replied, "I'm doing her hair." Classic. At this point I knew that I wanted to be just like her when I grew up.

I want to live by her philosophy. Fuck what anyone thinks. If they don't like it, they can sit and rotate. In full stereo. (her favorite line).

Don't get me wrong, she was also the greatest grandmother anyone could ask for. She would help me out with anything. Was always great for a good conversation and could cook up a storm (what grandmother can't cook).

So as I make my way through life, I always try to remember my foul mouthed Grandmother.
What would grandma say?

Fuck you!

Yeah, that how I want to be when I get old. I wanna sit on my front porch and throw things and young people as they walk by.... .... .... Hell I want to do that now, but I'm not old, therefor could be held accountable for my actions.